SILVER SPRING, FICTIONAL MD — The National Weather Service announced a new forecast category this week: "Scattered Spiders," defined as "a 40-60% chance of airborne arachnids between the hours of dusk and your worst nightmare."
The change follows reports from Ohio, Florida, and a place called "Spidervania" of unusual ballooning behavior, in which spiders release silk threads and float through the air like tiny eight-legged nightmares.
"We want the public to be prepared," said meteorologist Dan Drizzle. "When we say 'bring an umbrella,' we now mean 'bring an umbrella and also emotional support.'"
Arachnologists note that ballooning spiders are harmless, a fact that has done absolutely nothing to calm anyone down.
The extended forecast for the weekend includes partly cloudy skies, a 30% chance of spiders, and a 100% chance of you checking your ceiling before bed.